Pat Love has specific suggestions to help low- and high-desire partners improve their lovemaking. Topping her list is learning your partner's language of love. This gets to the heart of what arouses your partner, and it's often more subtle than sexy underwear for him and chocolate and roses for her.
Love gives this example: Tom would like to make love once a day, whereas Sue is satisfied with once a week. What might soften Sue and make her more responsive to Tom's desire for more frequent sex? Tom needs to become an expert in creating desire in Sue.
What Tom may not be aware of is that there is a connection between Sue's desire and her day-to-day life. She often claims to be too tired for lovemaking because of the kids. But suppose one evening Tom says to Sue, "I'll take the kids for an hour so you can relax and do whatever you want."
This generosity might cause Sue to feel a surge of love for Tom, creating an atmosphere in which sex can ignite. For Sue, Tom's act is foreplay.
"You have to honor the reality and experience of the other," says Love. "You have to jump in there and respond to the cues; you have to find out what says, 'I love you' to your partner."
