It's out in the open. You and your partner have positively communicated specific sexual desires and have made a commitment to respond to one another. Now, it's time to make a contract, suggests Lana Holstein, M.D., a sex expert and author of the book, "How to Have Magnificent Sex: The 7 Dimensions of a Vital Sexual Connection."
Holstein, who also leads sexual workshops at Canyon Ranch in Tucson, Ariz., says that often the problem isn't communicating desire as much as acting on it. The fatigue and grind of daily life bury even the best sexual intentions.
Calling the contract "a deal for sexual wealth," Holstein counsels couples to create a "good sex division" of their relationship. Put down on paper what the two of you want sexually. For instance, you may decide that one of you gets to call the shots for the next month. The partner responsible for initiating sex is also in charge of making the encounter happen.
For the contract to work, you need to be able to begin an encounter from a low level of desire. It's like exercise, explains Holstein. You don't always want to do it, but once you start working out, you're pleased you did. "We don't always feel 'in the mood,' but usually after we're … into it, we're glad to be there and often relieved," she says.
After one month, discuss how the contract is working, which experiences were pleasurable, which taught you something, and which didn't work. Then you can decide to extend or modify the original agreement — and perhaps add penalty clauses for not following through.
