But first, you have to be able to talk about sex, and that's where couples often hit a brick wall, says Susan Townsend, director of the Relationship Enrichment center in Towson, Md.
Many of us have a hard time communicating about this difficult topic, so we say nothing or we say it in a negative way that closes off communication.
Townsend offers this example: Perhaps what you truly desire is more kissing during foreplay, so you say, "You know, you never really kiss me enough." That is not a desire; it's a criticism. The wording of desire might be, "I've been thinking. Instead of jumping into sex it would be really nice to spend more time kissing first."
The technique is to identify the desire behind every criticism and express it using the language of "rather than" and "instead of," says Townsend, who leads Hot Monogamy sexual workshops. "You wouldn't believe the leap in sexual communication when people start saying, 'Instead of doing…, I'd rather you do…'" she reports.
After you state your sexual desire in a positive way, your partner validates what you've said by repeating it — without editing. You make corrections until he/she gets it right. Then you thank your partner for hearing you and ask if she/he is willing to change to meet your desire. Your partner may reply with a "yes" or "no" or agree if certain conditions are met.
Using this communication technique, also known as "mirroring," may not always result in what you want, but you'll have a much better chance of getting your desires met if you learn to transform your criticisms into requests and pay attention to receiving from, and giving to, your partner.
